Update on the Allegro

We have now been living in the Allegro for a little over 2 months. I still love it more than I dislike it, but when  the weather is bad or my Dad is having a bad day as far as Dementia, it gets pretty small. Even though we are making plans to move Dad into a Memory Care facility (This is the result of MUCH convincing of me by the nursing service that I have done all I can do and it is in his and our best interest. More on that later.) in the near future, we are still crowded, but determined to see this plan through

I have begun to call it The Vardo. This is the Roma name for the Gypsy wagons the Roma used to live and travel in. Because we are looking to potentially be here for six months while we go through the process of cleaning up our credit and get a loan to buy land and/or a home, my Mom came down two weeks ago and helped me spruce things up.

If you did not see my earlier post about it, here is what it looked like before.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate paneling? Yeah, it's a deep-seated hatred. So with it's nickname of The Vardo in mind, I set my plan in motion. Both my Mom and The Hubs thought I was nuts when I showed them my paint choices. They are bright and gaudy and awesome. If I'm gonna do a thing, I'm gonna DO IT! Their doubts were assuaged by the 2nd day when what I was seeing in my head began to take shape. A modern twist on the decadently garish Gypsy style. Love it or hate it, I present The Vardo

Not much altar space, but a Mason jar terrarium and my Buddah fit in the corner.

We put up a curtain as a "door" to separate our bed and the bathroom area to give the illusion of privacy.

I added more plants since. I put up coat hooks and hung the plastic buckets by one handle

Kind of hard to see, but I covered the mauve upholstery on the seat cushions with blue twin sheets. I secured them with sheet straps, crossed over, underneath. They stay put when going up and down between table and bed. 

This wall is right at the entrance. I used stencils.

Obligatory Instagram shot. I plan to hang two more curtains, one on each side, across the front to hide the "cabin". I really hate the mauve curtains, but the front faces more or less South and they are blackout curtains. They keep out a lot of heat and blinding light from the Arizona sun. 

What you cannot see is that we organized each overhead cabinet and it was amazing how much stuff The Vardo can hold and still be relatively neat and organized. I say "relatively" because I have 2 kids and 2 dogs...something is always messy.

I still have to finish the bed/bath area, but it is such an improvement! I love it even more now. 

When we get somewhere more permanent, The Vardo will become either an actual camper for trips, or a guest house, depending on how expensive making it road worthy will be. Until then, it's our little Home Sweet Home.Gypsy Junkies Axel Caplet Boxy Long Sleeve Tee at Free People - Black (Google Affiliate Ad)Cotton Tale Gypsy 3-Pc. Wall Art Set (Google Affiliate Ad)Gypsy Junkies Mimi Tunic (Google Affiliate Ad)Gypsy Junkies Mimi Tunic (Google Affiliate Ad) 

Puppy Love... and Loss

Two weeks ago I took a big step and went to an "intake" appointment to begin to get myself some help for my growing anxiety and depression issues. It was very hard for me. One of the major problems for me is talking to people about my anxiety just increases my anxiety because my issues are becoming more and more  social. Apparently  I used up all my "faking it" to pretend I was ok on the Indiana trip. It was like as soon as I held it all together for that, I just let the basket slip the rest of the way out of my hands. I am becoming paralyzed by any little situation that might have the slightest bit of discomfort or confrontation for me. Thank Goddess for Blogger because it is that degree of separation to talk about things.

One of the the things we discussed for my plan was to start training my dog Harlow to be my Service/Comfort animal. We were going to get that ball rolling the beginning of November, and I went home and began to work on reminding Harlow of  the training he already had so he would be ready to go through the "official" training.

That was on a Friday.

On Sunday, Jilly went to take Harlow outside to potty, as she has 100 times over the past year and a half, and he bit her. She didn't startle him, she wasn't rough, she didn't do anything to warrant it. She was raised around dogs and knows how to act around them. I saw the whole incident  and I have no idea what happened or why.

 He didn't break the skin, she inherited her mother's reflexes I guess. I can't tell you how many potentially serious bites I have avoided over my years working with dogs. The problem was, he didn't snap at her...he attacked her. He barked, snarled, and knocked her down to go after her. She saved herself from the first bite, me pulling him off her saved her from whatever he was planning to do.

I knew immediately we would have to find Harlow a new home. I love that dog, I can't say how much, but he is a large Standard Poodle and I am shaking right now thinking how much he could have hurt either of my girls. When The Hubs came home, I told him what happened and gave him a list of rescue/foster groups he could call the next day. 

I shut down. I was barely functional before, and this had me in a constant state of panic. The Hubs worked his ass off with a local rescue group and arranged for his new owners, a retired couple with no children, to come pick him up on Thursday of last week. In that time, we were both watching Craigslist pretty closely for a new dog. We both agreed that we had to get me a dog for both my anguish at having to give away Harlow, but also to continue with the plans to get the Comfort dog program.

We found an ad form a man who needed a home for his 7 month old Australian Shepherd because his plans to move from an apartment to a house fell through and he felt he was not giving him what he deserved cooped up in an apartment alone all day.When he and The Hubs talked on the phone, he said he had already turned down 4 people, and he would have to come meet us first. Here was a guy who loved his dog, but could not keep him and was taking every effort to make sure he got the right home.  Exactly what we were trying to do.

He came over on Wednesday, spent 2 hours with us so we could all get to know each other and make sure: a) We liked the dog and he liked us

b) He was good with the girls, who he allowed to climb all over him and take his chew toys right out of his mouth

c) He got along with Bruno, our Toy Poodle, who is a little bully

d) His former owner was comfortable that we were the right people for him

We all decided it seemed like a good fit, and so with many tears, he left the Aussie, who we decided to name Malcolm, with us. We promised to keep him posted by email on how Mal was doing from time to time.

The next day, Harlow's new owners came to get him, with a similar degree of care that dog and humans were a good fit. I am ashamed to say I was absent from this process. I took Mal for a walk up Miller Canyon. I knew I was doing the responsible, adult thing by giving Harlow a chance at a home where he would not have to be kept segregated from the family for fear he would hurt the kids, but I was not in a head space to face it.

So for the last week I have been throwing myself into caring for and training Mal so he will be ready for his certification, and to give myself something positive to focus on. I think the only reason giving Harlow away did not put me in the hospital was because Mal was already here. He has already helped me so much. I have had a few panic attacks this week and he always comes right over to me, wanting me to pet him or play fetch with his toy. He already knows his job. Mom is upset, I need to make her happy.

Hopefully everything I have had to let go of in the past few months will have this same theme. Letting go of things that you love deeply, is killing you to lose, and you had wanted for years is horribly painful, but sometimes you have to let go so the next good thing can come.

I hope Harlow feels the same. I hope as much as he loves me he found a better, forever home and people who love him as much as I do.

The Rev.

This was one of the top 5 days of my life!

Everything that has been going on in my crazy life stopped for a day and I proudly married my best friend to the most amazing woman.

It was beautiful, powerful, and I have had few experiences that match knowing that you helped two people join their lives together in love and joy.

That being said, it was incredibly helpful to my mental state to spend two amazing days with wonderful friends I have known since childhood and become my family. We spent a few golden hours, the evening before the wedding, transported to our early twenties. Let's just say a seedy strip club, several lap dances, and a startling amount of booze ensued. Proudly, I got a new nick name out of it. I am now addressed as The Rev.

Even more friends I have not seen for years at the reception, followed by a beautiful last dance, and many tearful goodbyes in the parking lot after we were nudged out the door by the patient staff.

Now we are on our way back home, back to reality and figuring how we are going to put our lives back into some order. I go home, however, with my heart much more full of love and my mind reminded that there are a lot of people out there who love me right back. That seems like a good foundation to build on.

Rock Bottom

Well, kids, I really fucked things up.

When we came here to Arizona, I was very quickly offered the chance to buy an established grooming salon. Problem being, I had no capital at all and had just a few weeks to move on the deal. I didn't look, I leaped, and three weeks ago I lost the business. The Hubs and I were both working there (he was just last month released from a work related injury from last year) and now we are unemployed and scrambling. My already fragile anxiety issues crippled me, and I have only left the house 3-4 times since then. I can't talk to my friends, and can only handle short talks with my Mom. 

I am a lucky woman that I have The Hubs, who is willing to handle the outside world for me while he looks for a job. I am not yet looking for a job because I can, at this point, only go about 2 hours without a crying jag. So, I'm doing what I can to keep busy and trying to think of how to proceed from here.

I have been crocheting, I opened a Kitsy Lane online boutique, and I published a short novel that maybe needed a little more polish, but I just needed to do something positive. I guess the good news is I have time now to craft, write, and blog again.

So I guess I'm back, for better or for worse.

Blessed Be

Profound Dark

I must admit, this latest bout with depression took me lower than I have ever been. I feel like all I have done in the past few months has been yell or cry. I got out of bed everyday, showered, dressed, took care of my kids and Dad, groomed dogs and went back to bed the second the Hubs came home from work. I couldn't even meditate, and every prayer became a sobbing mess.

With the help of my sweet husband, a new doctor, and a therapist, I feel like I am coming back to myself. I have been concentrating on my fiction writing projects in the last month, and it has given my the confidence to return to the blog. The Hubs and I even started a new blog and a YouTube channel about our geeky gaming interests. He is off work due to injuring his shoulder at work(which, by the way his boss it trying to deny his workmans comp. claim, even though there was a witness to the accident) and needed a project. Here are the links if you have interest in gaming. 

The Couple of Geeks blog

The Couple of Geeks YouTube Channel
If not, I hope to be back here more. I was in a dark, dark place and could not see or feel the Magick in my life, let alone write about it. I have a death grip on it now, and am hopefully am moving back to a place where I do not have to hold on so tightly.
Brightest Blessings

Little Lady

The Hubs went back to work a little over a month ago, that's when and why we "switched back" and I am now at home working, housekeeping, gardening and homeschooling. The Hubs really likes the job which is basically pulling metal out of construction and mining debris to be recycled. Much to the girls delight, he brings home "pretties", rocks and cool pieces of metal. I spent some time today looking up geology curriculum for the Ladybug so she can identify the rocks, minerals, and metals he brings home. I have gotten some "pretties" as well, but none I love as much as this.

He saw her going down the belt and chased her down, almost knocking down his supervisor. I love him for doing that. She is pretty perfect, silver and black, cradling her womb where life stirs. 

I have lots and lots of cool stuff, as far as my faith is concerned. I have even blogged about the plethora of altars in and around our home. Lots of blessed tools, statues, stones, pentacles, wands, cloaks, and athames, but this is now my favorite piece of  pagan paraphernalia. 

Above the fact it is so completely awesome that some melted nickel happened to find it's way in this shape and then rolled happily past my hard working Hubs to be plucked out and placed in my hand, she reminds me of a simple truth: I don't need any of my cool stuff! Don't get me wrong, I like stuff, a lot. I have my pagan paraphernalia and tools spread all through the house in cabinets, on altars and shrines, even outside in the yard, but I know I don't really need it.  Because my Path weaves my faith and practice into my everyday life, all that stuff rarely even gets used, except maybe Sabbats or High Ritual. My faith is more spread through the the day like salt in cooking. Not too fancy, but it doesn't taste right without it. You still might get fancy, add in layers and fixings, but you leave the salt. I will continue to have cool stuff, and to make cool stuff ,  and to use it, but I have nestled that speckled little piece of metal onto my kitchen shrine, and into my heart, sent by my Lady and given in love by my beloved.

H.W.

Road Widow, again

I want to be happy that my husband is going back to work. I should be happy, we have insurance again, we won't have to scrape by on unemployment, we won't have to borrow $$ from family when we can't quite make it. It's a good thing, a great thing...he is ready to get back in his truck and we are getting to the point where togetherness is too much of a good thing and we are driving each other nuts. Better still, he is being dispatched 2 days earlier than we were told when he 1st got the call back. So why am I being a whiner about it? Because he is leaving in the morning for Laredo, Texas...we live in Indiana. If he gets lucky and gets a load back immediately he might be home Wednesday. And so, I go from having him here, helping me with the house, kids, me, and having him next to me every night except when I was in the hospital after the c-section to him being gone, and let me tell you, 5 days is an optimistic number, he was out 2 weeks once on that run. So now I go back to that routine so familiar to the trucker's wife, 25% couple/75% single mom. I was used to it, and we talked long and hard about it before we got pregnant this time. I was ready to be here alone w/a 4 yr old and a new born, and occasionally a 9 yr old when my stepdaughter comes to stay when her Dad is still on the road. We had a plan, and we were prepared. Then came the lay off/bed rest situation, and he was here all the time. I got used to it, I got spoiled, the luxury of unlimited time with my husband became the norm. Now it's gone, and I am beside myself to think he will drive that truck away tomorrow and it will be days before I see him again. I know I don't need him here every minute, I know I can do it and will be fine, I know I have a list of friends and family to help me if I need it, but I miss him already and he is just out in the driveway packing up the truck for the trip. So, I need to cowgirl up, put on my big-girl panties, and all those other cliches and be glad he has a job for me to be bitching about, because being lonely is better than being destitute! Thank gods for cell phones. Maybe I should finally learn to use a web cam so we can Skype to each other...the kids would love to talk to Daddy over the computer.
H.W.