Anticipation

I am not a patient woman. I never have been. It is a virtue that I am trying to cultivate, though I sometimes feel it is a futile endeavor.

This is the reason that our current course of action is hard for me. I don't mind the tight quarters here in the Vardo on the whole. There are times it drives me nuts, but they pass. On the whole, I feel very positive and in control of our situation.

Until yesterday.

We have been working with a small, local company to repair our credit and buy a home. We have a 6 month plan at the moment. Our credit is very near where it needs to be to get a loan, and we have both a home and a few undeveloped properties on the wish list.

The home we want we looked at back in January. We actually spent about an hour and a half touring the home and property, as well as just having a lovely visit with the home owners. 

So, when we began to get our ducks in a row and were asked if there was a house we were interested in, we put that place at the top of the list. The gentlemen we are working with even went to look at it to buy it so we could rent it until we could buy it from them when we get to that step. (That is how the program works. We don't pay them anything, but sign an agreement that we will buy a home from them of our choosing at the end of the program)

All was well. Then the home owner called us. They remembered how nice we were and how much we loved the house and wanted to give us one last shot. They offered to sell it to us owner carry. They offered to work with us. One way or the other, the place feels close enough to touch.

This makes me impatient. I don't want to wait 6 months. Veruca wants it now, Daddy, NOW! It's my Hippie dream home and it is a fucking solid possibility. This makes me insane with wanting...and it also makes me scared.

I have had the rug, hell the whole floor, pulled out from under me so many times. I am terrified by the invigorating hope that is bubbling in me, in us. It's heady, and amazing,  and it makes my heart race with both anticipation and terror.

I want to be positive. I want to just think that even if this one gets away, there is an equally delicious fish waiting to be hooked, but I am fragile and my hopes have been crushed so many times they don't go together smooth anymore. 

And so now I'm trying to be patient, trying to keep hope afloat, and trying not to be afraid of possibility. 

Taking the Veil

For the last 2-3 years,  have been fascinated with the practice of Veiling or Head Covering for spiritual purposes. I am not a particularly modest, shy, or submissive person, and so thought it was a lovely and meaningful practice, but not for me. I could think of no personal reason to Veil.

Fast forward to now. Nearly every facet of my life needs a positive change. We need to move forward as a family, and I need to move forward in every role I play. Woman, Pagan, Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend, Provider, I have either failed, turned away from, or ignored them at some point since September. 

We are battling back. My family is strong and loving, we are a tight little nest of love and support, but swirling around us is a tempest of bad decisions that have shattered our 'outward' life. We had to retreat. We are regrouping and rebuilding. We put everything in storage, got released from our lease thanks to the kindness of our landlords, and moved in with my parents. My family of four humans and two dogs is now residing in the two guest bedrooms in my step father's home. It is a good fall back position, we get along great with my parents and they are glad to have us here both for the time with my girls and because they love my cooking. No matter how nice of an arrangement, I am still a 37 year old mother and wife who had to move back in with Mommy. It's tough medicine to take.

At this time, all I can control is myself, and that control has been badly damaged over the past four months. The Hubs just got the official word yesterday that he got a job driving a truck for a copper mine in Eastern Arizona and will start within the next two weeks. The girls and I will stay here while he moves for the new job until we have enough money banked to officially move. It's good to have something to celebrate, to have a plan and a clear way to begin it's execution. Anxiety and depression have taken my confidence and a lot of my self love. I have lost my ability to earn a living and provide for my family in a financial way. This is a blow. Although I have been a SAHM in the past, it was by choice, not because I lost my dream business and all of my grooming tools and was forced back home. This has begun to pass, and I have once again begun to find joy in cooking for my family sewing, crafting,and keeping house. My Mom said the other day she realizes why men love wives because she loves to come home to a clean house and a warm meal!

Add these issues to the fact I am at my heaviest weight outside of pregnancy and have been in a spiritual crisis...I'm just a hot mess.

So now, the Veil. 

Because Hestia placed her hand on me to lead me forward into the next part of my life. Although The Morrigan is still my patron goddess, She feels I need more care than strength at this time and has blessed me with the gift of following Hestia as well. To honor each goddess, I will Veil, by my own choice, until I feel called to stop.

Because I want to be reminded to become self contained. I want to be calm. I want to be confident. I want to be focused. I want to look inward for answers instead of  trying to do what others want or expect or to  buy them. I want to be poised, centered, and a regal woman worthy of my ideal of a Priestess, because I have fallen far from that ideal in my mind.

Because I want to make my body a Temple. I want to be mindful of what I do to and for myself. I want to remember I am beautiful, so much so I must contain it. I am exceptional, and not for public consumption. I will become the woman I have always seen inside myself, a reflection of the goddess.

Because I have been fascinated for the last 2-3 years and have been buying scarves in that time. My heart knew I would be called, just not when or why.

So today I put on my Veil, Blessed Be.