Feathering the nest

Here we are, day 4 in our tiny new home, and it's the first day that the Hubs went in to work and left Mojo, the dogs, and I here to really settle in. Yesterday Hubs and I fixed the leaking water line, and so we had the place completely torn apart. We could barely walk around, let alone get anything organized. So, today I put everything away, and threw out or rearranged the things left by the former owners. I found a spot for everything we brought, and cleared out spaces for more of our stuff to come out of the storage unit where it is now.

It has been extremely calming to me. I feel very in control of my little corner of the universe. Everything is clean and put away, and I could get up and put my hands on anything in 30 seconds. I pulled all the crumbling wallpaper off the walls in the bathroom and kitchen, and am hoping my Mom and I can paint when she comes up here this weekend. 

I am actually dreading going back to Hereford next week. It's like I have a little bubble of safety here and am afraid to go back to my Mom's where I have less control. We agreed that it will be best for Mojo and I to go back and forth until Jilly finishes school, but I am not feeling it right now. Maybe when the novelty wears off I will feel differently, but I have already felt the positive mental shift I was hoping for with downsizing to the RV and I am clinging to it for dear life.

Yesterday was rough, because of several reasons that include the place being torn up and having no where to really go to get away from it, and not really eating because I couldn't get to the "kitchen". There was also issues with having to move my Dad into a new Memory Care facility. Melted down on a nuclear level.The best hour I had yesterday was spent in the laundry room at the club house, enjoying the quiet and reading magazines.

But for now I am sitting in my comfy little nest, listening to the light rain and looking at the mountains that surround the Gila Valley.

Taking the Veil

For the last 2-3 years,  have been fascinated with the practice of Veiling or Head Covering for spiritual purposes. I am not a particularly modest, shy, or submissive person, and so thought it was a lovely and meaningful practice, but not for me. I could think of no personal reason to Veil.

Fast forward to now. Nearly every facet of my life needs a positive change. We need to move forward as a family, and I need to move forward in every role I play. Woman, Pagan, Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend, Provider, I have either failed, turned away from, or ignored them at some point since September. 

We are battling back. My family is strong and loving, we are a tight little nest of love and support, but swirling around us is a tempest of bad decisions that have shattered our 'outward' life. We had to retreat. We are regrouping and rebuilding. We put everything in storage, got released from our lease thanks to the kindness of our landlords, and moved in with my parents. My family of four humans and two dogs is now residing in the two guest bedrooms in my step father's home. It is a good fall back position, we get along great with my parents and they are glad to have us here both for the time with my girls and because they love my cooking. No matter how nice of an arrangement, I am still a 37 year old mother and wife who had to move back in with Mommy. It's tough medicine to take.

At this time, all I can control is myself, and that control has been badly damaged over the past four months. The Hubs just got the official word yesterday that he got a job driving a truck for a copper mine in Eastern Arizona and will start within the next two weeks. The girls and I will stay here while he moves for the new job until we have enough money banked to officially move. It's good to have something to celebrate, to have a plan and a clear way to begin it's execution. Anxiety and depression have taken my confidence and a lot of my self love. I have lost my ability to earn a living and provide for my family in a financial way. This is a blow. Although I have been a SAHM in the past, it was by choice, not because I lost my dream business and all of my grooming tools and was forced back home. This has begun to pass, and I have once again begun to find joy in cooking for my family sewing, crafting,and keeping house. My Mom said the other day she realizes why men love wives because she loves to come home to a clean house and a warm meal!

Add these issues to the fact I am at my heaviest weight outside of pregnancy and have been in a spiritual crisis...I'm just a hot mess.

So now, the Veil. 

Because Hestia placed her hand on me to lead me forward into the next part of my life. Although The Morrigan is still my patron goddess, She feels I need more care than strength at this time and has blessed me with the gift of following Hestia as well. To honor each goddess, I will Veil, by my own choice, until I feel called to stop.

Because I want to be reminded to become self contained. I want to be calm. I want to be confident. I want to be focused. I want to look inward for answers instead of  trying to do what others want or expect or to  buy them. I want to be poised, centered, and a regal woman worthy of my ideal of a Priestess, because I have fallen far from that ideal in my mind.

Because I want to make my body a Temple. I want to be mindful of what I do to and for myself. I want to remember I am beautiful, so much so I must contain it. I am exceptional, and not for public consumption. I will become the woman I have always seen inside myself, a reflection of the goddess.

Because I have been fascinated for the last 2-3 years and have been buying scarves in that time. My heart knew I would be called, just not when or why.

So today I put on my Veil, Blessed Be.